this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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