I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
