My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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