he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
