Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
