I hate your face
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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