He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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