hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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