the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
