i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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