i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
