We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
