My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
