Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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