My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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