I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I smell stomach acid.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
