I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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