Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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