you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
