My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
