My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
