wakey wakey hands off snakey
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
