Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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