I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
