so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
