I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
