sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
