new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
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