I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
