so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
