i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Holy sore nipples Batman
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
