My friends, they love my intelligence
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
