She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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