I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
