Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
