when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
