can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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