Please, let me fuck your mom
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
