my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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