in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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