well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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