Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
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