it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
