bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
