Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
