Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
