it hurts more in the daytime
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
