arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
