We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
