I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
